Chapter 1

The summer we graduated high school, all four of the boys I'd grown up with told me they were headed to New Mexico. They wanted me to come with them.

For that, Adrian—the boy I'd been quietly in love with for years—finally said yes when I confessed.

Then, on the day the acceptances went official, I overheard them talking.

"Okay, the act's gone on long enough. Who the hell would actually move out to the New Mexico desert? We just had to sell it to get her out of here."

"Clara's such an idiot. She really bought it—thought she was some princess with four guys orbiting around her."

"She was never easy to be around anyway. None of the girls at school liked her. Lily needs us way more than she does."

Lily was our housekeeper's daughter. She was also supposed to be my best friend.

I pushed the door open. Adrian didn't so much as flinch.

"Weren't you the one who told us to be nicer to Lily? Now that we actually are, what are you crying about?"

"Clara, just go to New Mexico. We'll bring Lily out to see you all the time."

I laughed. It came out ugly.

They didn't know. The New Mexico I was going to wasn't some vacation spot—it was a closed-campus defense research program, sealed off by a signed non-disclosure agreement.

…

"Clary, look at you—not throwing a fit. You've really grown up."

Adrian had clearly braced himself for me to scream and cry. Instead, I just stood there, quiet.

I asked him, "If I did throw a fit, would you come to New Mexico with me?"

Mason, Logan, and Owen went silent.

Adrian was the first to speak.

"We honestly did plan to go, at first. But Lily said she didn't want to leave the East Coast. She asked us to stay with her."

Mason jumped in. "You've been climbing trees, riding horses, and hopping fences with us since we were kids. You're tough as hell. Lily's different—New Mexico isn't the place for her."

I clenched the hem of my dress and worked to keep my voice steady.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Owen answered, perfectly calm. "At first we just forgot. Then we figured this was better anyway. Lily needs us more than you do. You're independent enough—you'll be fine on your own."

I nodded and forced the tears back down.

I'd grown up in a private estate community in North Virginia, just outside D.C. I was the only girl in our little circle.

My parents' friends spoiled me. The four boys shielded me. When we played make-believe as kids, they fought over who got to be my knight, and Adrian was always my groom.

We grew up together. I never once imagined a day when there'd be nothing left to say between us.

"Lily's eighteenth birthday is coming up in a few days. Don't make things awkward for her over this."

The one saying it was Mason—the same Mason who'd just called me a princess.

He was the football captain at school. His memory was terrible. He forgot my birthday every single year. But now, apparently, he had another girl's date locked down to the day.

I forced a small smile.

"I've already got her gift ready. It's that bag she's been wanting—"

Mason cut me off. "She's already got one. Give her the silver pendant."

I froze.

That silver pendant had been commissioned by our five families the year we were all born. Each one had a name engraved on the back.

Our parents used to say they hoped the five of us would love each other like family for the rest of our lives.

And now he was telling me to hand mine over to Lily.

I closed my hand around the pendant I'd worn since I was a baby, and I shook my head.

"No."

Mason frowned. "Then give her the clay figures."

He didn't wait for an answer this time. He walked straight into my collection room and came back out cradling all five clay figures in his arms.

We'd made them together the summer we turned ten, at a pottery class at the country club camp. Five lumpy little figures—crooked, awkward, but you could still tell which was which.

Mason picked out the one with the braids—the girl—and set her back on the shelf.

"You can keep this one. Lily said she only wants the four of us."

My little clay self sat there alone in the cabinet.

I finally lost it.

"Mason, we made those together when we were ten. You are not taking them."

I chased after him a few steps, but Adrian and Owen stepped in front of me.

My nails dug into my palms. I stared at his back and shouted.

"You walk out that door with those, we're done. For good."

Mason paused. He didn't turn around.

"Fine, we're done. When have you ever been mad without saying that?"

I tried to push past them, but Adrian caught my arm.

"Come on, Clary. Don't be like this. Be generous. You've had everything your whole life. Lily hasn't. She's just the housekeeper's daughter."

"Share a little of what you have. Don't be so petty."

Had I not shared?

When she and her mother first moved into the staff quarters at the Whitaker estate, I was the one who begged my parents to fund her tuition so she could go to my private school with me.

When she couldn't keep up in class, I gave up my free time to tutor her.

When she said she'd never been to Europe, I invited her along on our summer trip.

When she said she didn't belong here, I told her, over and over, that she was my friend.

When she said she had no one, I personally introduced her to Adrian, Mason, Logan, and Owen.

I even told her I was in love with Adrian.

Back then, I really did think of her as my best friend.

And in the end, I was the one who got left behind.

I looked at Adrian—the boy I'd been in love with for six years.

"Share my love with her. And what about yours?"

"Adrian—was it because you liked her? Is that why you lied to me?"

"You said yes to my confession because you knew I couldn't do long distance. You knew I'd follow you to New Mexico. That's what this was, isn't it?"

Adrian pulled me into his arms.

"No, Clary. I've been in love with you for years. Lily is your best friend. I just couldn't feel right leaving her here alone."

He didn't love Lily. But he couldn't stand to leave her alone on the East Coast.

He'd loved me for years. But he could send me alone into the depths of the New Mexico desert without losing sleep.

"I'll fly out to see you every month. As often as I can. Okay?"

He said it while reaching up to wipe away the tears I couldn't stop.

I turned my head away.

His hand hung there in midair. I could feel his patience thinning by the second.

"Clary. Stop. Be an adult about this. Lily just leans on us a little, that's all."

"Look, Lily and the guys are waiting on me. When you've calmed down, we'll talk."

He pulled out his phone and dropped a voice note into a group chat. "Heading out soon. Start queuing up some graduation songs."

Reflex made me glance at my own phone.

Nothing.

The five of them had cut me out and started a separate group.

I wiped my eyes and, with shaking fingers, typed out a message to the program coordinator.

I'm confirming the early check-in. I'll report to the Sandridge Defense Research Center in New Mexico at the end of July.